Dr. Guterson: the other day I saw a quote that went like this: “Four things you can’t recover - The stone after the throw The word after it’s said The occasion after it’s missed The time after it’s gone.” Any thoughts? Answer: first, thank you for this powerful quote. My thoughts, however, are that recovery is possible. It’s always possible. We all have done things or missed opportunities that we regret, that we feel guilty about. Too many people wallow in their guilt. Then the guilt becomes a form of self involvement. I remember a line from a movie: “Guilt is a great thing”, meaning we can use our guilt as an impetus to make us into a better person. Then the negative becomes a positive. Then we become free and unburdened and happier. So, yes, it’s a nice quote - but one can recover.
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"Ramblings on the Psych Ward"
Dear Dr. Guterson - how can I love my wife better? A: Marriage and love are all about giving to your spouse - her needs are more important than yours. The famous lyricist, Alan Jay Lerner, wrote the lyrics of a song in the musical ‘Camelot’ that went like this: “How to handle a woman?.. simply love her, love her, love her” And then Lerner himself was married eight times! Why? I can’t say for sure but the phrase ‘handling’ a woman to me smacks of selfish desire. So then ‘loving her’ was more about Lerner than her. Obviously, I was never Lerner’s psychiatrist but just a thought. My basic answer is that it starts with true empathy. Active listening; putting yourself in her shoes; connecting with her inner world as best you can. Knowing her love language (touching; quality time; words of affirmation; gifts; acts of service) is always a good place to start. Then you are truly “loving her, loving her, loving her.”
Patients in psychiatric hospitals ask questions, a lot of questions, as they should. With most of their possessions having been taken away from them, and with the door to the ward being locked, they want to know what’s going on. I don’t blame them.
The most common question, of course, is “when can I get out of this place?”.
At other times they will get personal and ask questions about me, my life. Obviously, I need to use judgment as to what to share. But I think the question I have enjoyed most is “Dr. Guterson, do you ever wear anything different than a black shirt?”
And then there is another common question that comes my way from time to time and the dialogue goes something like this:
“Dr. Guterson, I hope you don’t mind my asking but what are those strings hanging out there on the side of your pants?”
“No problem at all, thanks for asking.
It says in the Bible that a Jewish man should wear a four cornered garment and attach strings to each of the four corners. These strings are called tzitzits.”
“OK…..?”
“Yeah, it is sort of strange. But think of it this way: I’m wearing this holy garment that‘s right here, on me, surrounding me, all the time. And so it’s a great physical reminder that there’s a G-d or a Higher Power or whatever you want to call it above us. I can’t say that it always works that way for me, but I try.”
“Wow, that is the coolest thing I ever heard. Where can I get one of those?